Infernal ‘Sunshine’ is For the Forgetful Mind: Danny Boyle helms a shipload of clichés with ‘Sunshine’

When I heard Danny Boyle was directing a science fiction space movie I was stoked. It just seemed to be a perfect fit. Boyle has demonstrated his expertise directing the breakdown of human social order with such films as Transpotting, The Beach and the masterpiece 28 Days Later. I assumed the final frontier would be the perfect environment for humanity to show its underbelly. What I never predicted was that Sunshine would be a terribly disappointing movie, but alas it is. It is especially troublesome because you can tell there is great talent behind every frame of this film. From the seemingly interesting characters and thrilling premise to the stunning visual effects, it’s amazing how far from the mark this movie ventured. But instead of playing towards the films strengths, Boyle and Co. went after every overused space motif they could find and cut and paste the film together like a last minute plagiarized term paper. There is a phenomenal sci-fi classic in there somewhere, but as is this film is an utter catastrophe.

So many moments in Sunshine are blatantly regurgitated from other sci-fi films, it’s as though Boyle hoped you’ve never seen any before. I recognized scenes from Supernova, Armageddon, Deep Impact, The Abyss, Mission to Mars, Alien, Aliens, 2001, Sphere, Event Horizon, and even Nightmare on Elm Street. I suppose you could make an argument that Boyle is paying homage to countless sci-fi films, but I don’t think that’s true when these scenes stand in as plot points instead of throw away winks and nods. Boyle is a visionary filmmaker and there are several elements in Sunshine I loved. But I can’t let this movie slide knowing its director reinvented the Zombie genre with one of the scariest movies I’ve ever seen. Mr. Boyle can do better.

The film started off on the right foot as we become acquainted with the crew of Icarus II, a spaceship on a mission to deliver a ‘payload’ of nuclear bombs that will shoot into the sun and hopefully reignite its dwindling blaze. The sun is dying and these astronauts may be our last remaining hope before Earth is just another frozen wasteland. I loved this concept and became even more excited when I found out that the first Icarus ship disappeared without any warning. Then we meet Searle (Cliff Curtis), Mace (Chris Evans), Capa (Cillian Murphy), Coranzon (Michelle Yeoh), and Cassie (Rose Byrne) the main crew members of Icarus II who add somewhat believable astronaut chemistry to the film. It’s a little hard to buy that 26 year old Chris Evans would be an experienced enough astronaut to hold the fate of the world in his hands, but who am I to claim to know the inner workings of NASA. Regardless of the young ages of certain members of the crew, Boyle had so many great ingredients to work with and I’m convinced he has it in him to make a great film about this subject. But before long we have special effects for effects sake and the mission becomes a hokey rehash of those movies I listed earlier.

The Icarus II mission was going along fine until the crew discovers the whereabouts of the lost Icarus I and has to make a decision of whether to leave it or attempt a rescue. The decision lies in the hands of Capa who decides that it will be worth rescuing the first mission so they have an extra payload in case theirs fails. Mace finds this plan very frustrating because the crew has to alter their present course, putting the mission to save Earth in jeopardy. These humanity risking decisions lie in the hands of the crew members because they conveniently are out of range of contacting Earth. You would think a decision with this amount of magnitude would have to lie in the hands of a president or at least a presidential advisor that would be here for situations like this. Maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part.

When they embark on the mission to save Icarus I we begin to set into the cliché zone. The ship itself is interesting enough, if not totally original. It looks like a giant contact lens covered in tinfoil with a long ship sticking out from where you put your eye. Its convex surface reflects the sunlight keeping the ship from sizzling in the sunrays. The crew does encounter problems on their new mission and the reflective surface needs repairing. These scenes are similar to the comet bomb drilling scenes from Deep Impact where they must race against the sun before they burn to a crisp. Icarus II also has a Hal like computer the crew uses to communicate with the ship. The films overall look is a cross between Alien and Event Horizon, consisting of mostly space station meeting rooms, command centers, and lonely hallways with abysmal lighting. When the crew explores the interior of Icarus I, I was immediately reminded of the scenes from The Abyss where the interiors of a crashed submarine are explored by flashlight. I was expecting crabs to scuttle from the ship’s grimy corners. But what’s worse and more unforgivable than Sunshine’s repetitive feel, is that it’s not thrilling or scary and it is at many times boring. A lot of the writing is pedestrian at best as we listen to the astronauts argue about payloads, sunlight and the slipping oxygen supply. SPOILER: After the mission of exploring Icarus I is accomplished, the crew re-boards their original ship to find that an evil member of Icarus I is alive and he begins to sabotage the new mission. If that wasn’t silly enough, this guy is so badly burnt his face bears a similar resemblance to Freddy Krueger. This guy is so remarkable he is simultaneously as fragile as an octogenarian yet as durable and powerful as the Terminator. And if any one remembers Supernova (all three of you who saw it) I don’t think I even have to point out its similarities to Sunshine’s ending.

Maybe I’m too hard on sci-fi movies. Most of the time, they are either great or terrible. The great ones are able to show us something we’ve never envisioned before like The Matrix or Minority Report. The good ones are at least entertaining. Sunshine accomplishes neither. But like I said earlier, there are things I loved about this movie. Mace was an interesting and complex character. I thought I had him pegged as the selfish macho dude, but really he was a dedicated selfless professional. Nice surprise there. I also liked Coranzon as the greenhouse keeper who adds a pragmatic and naturalist viewpoint to the crew. I even admired Boyle’s emerging theme of human’s self destructive desires and obsession. And Boyle’s style is visually interesting with his use of out of focus shots and one second frames of Icarus I victims. But this hodgepodge of talent and cliché is so irritating, I can only express my deepest disappointment. Let’s hope this crash landing was just a fluke.

C-

Homer’s Odyssey: Although no classic The Simpsons Movie is a hilarious adventure

The Simpsons Movie begins with Homer asking, “why anyone would pay to see what we did on TV for free?” Not only is this the most intelligent question I’ve ever heard uttered from Homer’s doughnut chomping mouth, but he also presents a very puzzling conundrum. Simpsons reruns do air on TV nearly every afternoon and if you’re like me you unintentionally stop channel surfing as soon as you see those fluffy clouds floating over Springfield. The reasons I paid to see it are that I love movies and I find the Simpsons cartoon very funny. Should the average moviegoer see it? I would say yes, considering the shows successful television run of 18 seasons and counting. With that type of popularity at least 3 out of every 4 American’s are already Simpsons fans. And if you are a fan, I’m sure you will appreciate the movie’s crude social and political hilarity that’s a little naughtier than TV would allow. However, after all the hype and years of anticipation, the Simpsons Movie isn’t the most stupendous film you’ll see this summer, but it’s still a pretty good one.

If you take away the cinematic visuals and the PG-13 humor, the Simpsons Movie is essentially a 90-minute Simpsons episode. This is a good thing because it means that it is very witty, satirical and humorous. It meanders as aimlessly as the TV show and of course finds its plot along the way. All the essential characters are present including Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. We also have cameo appearances by all the other characters like Krusty the Clown, the Comic Book Guy, Moe, Mr. Burns and even that Bumblebee Man. All of those lovable characters are accounted for and it’s nice that they all have their moment. Once the animation style changed during the first 2 seasons these characters have remain unaltered and that’s what makes them so inherently comical. By all accounts, one would think the characters either have an endless supply of the same outfit or they have just worn the same clothes for 18 years. And shouldn’t Maggie be spitting out that pacifier and heading off to college this year?

After a few hysterical jokes made at the expense of the Fox network and an amazingly funny skateboard sequence inspired by Austin Powers, we see the beginnings of what will be the plot. Apparently Springfield has one of the most polluted lakes in the country and something must be done to clean it. But the citizens of the town are so apathetic regarding this filthy lake they don’t even bother to listen to Lisa as she attempts to raise awareness of the lakes doomed condition. It is so dirty in fact, it arouses the concern of president Arnold Schwarzenegger. The lake is on the brink of a tipping point and once Homer decides to ignore the new lake polluting restrictions the Schwarzenegger administration seals the town in a giant glass dome. Now Homer is Springfield’s most wanted criminal not to mention that he has finally managed to lose the respect of his family, but surely he can win back his loved ones and save the day.

The Simpsons Movie reminded me of seeing Aladdin in the theater. There was so much happening and it moved so quick that at the end it is mostly a blur. A few of the comedic highlights stick in my mind, but like the show it’s nearly impossible to determine where it all started from. I wish I made a trail of breadcrumbs. I’m sure upon second viewing my appreciation for this film will grow, but I can’t help but feel a hint of disappointment. I can remember hearing rumors of a Simpsons movie when I was in high school. How can you help expecting it to be amazing? It’s always unfair to have extremely high expectations for movies, but after 18 years the blown away sensation never came. Then again, when you add the extra cartoon taboos and CGI 2-D imagery to the animated sitcom that’s arguably the best TV show of the past century, the Simpsons Movie is an uproarious laugh riot from start to finish.

B

Baltimore Boogie: The musical version of Hairspray is bound to give you Happy Feet

I’ve unknowingly had a craving for the musical film version of Hairspray since the end of the Golden Age of the animated Disney musicals. Apparently there has been a large void in my heart left since Mulan came out. I can just imagine the late Howard Ashman (the musical muse behind The Little Mermaid & Beauty and the Beast) looking down from heaven at this film with a smile on his face. It is based of the Tony award winning Broadway play, which was based on John Water’s 1988 cult classic (the same evolution The Producers experienced). Having not seen the play, this movie was totally fresh to me, but it seemed authentically original, avoiding staginess and freeing the camera movements at every turn. Hairspray is also a message movie about loving who we are and accepting those who are different. Similarly, Hairspray is a campy musical that is proud of its musical numbers that goof the early 1960’s, staging them in the streets of Baltimore as opposed to most recent musicals that require a stage on which to perform. In fact, most of the films great numbers take place in high school hallways and the characters bedrooms. Hairspray is so much fun, even the Grinch would be tapping his feet by the end.

The films heart is Tracy Turnblad (newcomer Nikki Blonsky) the pudgy high schooler who radiates joy. Blonsky is quite a find, providing one of the most cheery and lovable characters I’ve ever seen on film. She’s like the love child of John Candy and Kathy Najimy. How could you not love this girl? She is so perky and happy she jumps out of bed in the morning and dances her way to school. And hey, she actually turns out to be a naturally amazing dancer, even at sunrise. I'd say she’s a morning person, but she’s always like that. She’s even sings from the trunk of a car.

Tracy’s waking hours revolve around the local American Bandstand type show called the Corny Collins Show hosted by the aptly named Corny (James Marsden). She races home everyday with her ever supportive pal Penny Pingleton (a hilarious Amanda Bynes) to dance along to Corny’s show, swoon over heartthrob Link Larkin (Zac Efron) and dream about shaking and shimmying in front of the camera.

When the show holds open auditions for a replacement spot, Tracy gets her chance to shine much to the dismay of the shows racist manager Velma Von Tussle (Michelle Pfeiffer) and Tracy’s mother Edna (John Travolta). Edna is a supportive mom, but she is afraid that Tracy will be hurt when Velma refuses to let a chubby girl on T.V. Of course, Edna is right because Velma is so vicious and unapologetically malicious she has no intentions of considering Tracy for the show. Thankfully, Tracy’s father Wilbur (Christopher Walken) is there to tell Tracy that she should chase after her dreams even though she might get hurt.

Velma doesn’t let Tracy in the show, but Tracy still mixes up the scene by spreading her belief of integration and winning the heart of Corny Collins, landing her on T.V. Tracy seems to win the heart of everyone and eventually becomes a leader in the Baltimore civil rights movement as she attempts to integrate the Corny Collins Show.

Kudos to director and choreographer Adam Shankman who has created some of the best dance performances I have seen in a while. These musical numbers are as well choreographed as the fight sequences in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. They should make choreography a Oscar category with situations like this. But the true heroes of this film are Tina Gerussi, Richard Hicks, and David Rubin. Ever hear of them? Yeah, me neither, but I thought this is the perfect opportunity to show the casting directors a little love. They have assembled the best possible cast I can imagine for this film. Blonsky is so terrific all I have to say is Jennifer Hudson look out. John Travolta is also wonderful as Edna the plump woman traditionally played by a man. At times he seems to be channeling Miss Piggy, but his dancing makes me wanna scream Grease Lightning. His motherly performance is so tender you eventually can’t help but believe he is a woman. This is seriously his best performance since Primary Colors. Christopher Walken is as bizarre and charming as ever. Queen Latifah lends her voice for a few show stoppers. Michelle Pfeiffer is wicked hilarious fun playing one of the most evil family film villains since Cruella De Vil. And don’t forget to lookout for supporting cast such as Zac Efron, Amanda Bynes, Brittany Snow and the amazing dance man Elijah Kelley.

If you can’t tell, I loved every second of Hairspray. It is so lovable, it dares you not to fall for it. From the colorful characters, the goofy 60’s jokes, and amazing show stoppers, you will be dancing in your seat. And the film is so alive with fresh performances and wonderful songs, you will leave the theatre invigorated like you just saw a real Broadway show. But don’t be to disappointed when there aren’t any vendors selling soundtracks on your way out. They’re cheaper at Best Buy anyway.

A

Green Sky at Night, Phoenix Takes Flight: The Potter series takes a turn towards the dark side with ‘Order of the Phoenix

Harry Potter has certainly grown since the Potter craze began back in 2001. It seems like just yesterday the unknown actor Daniel Radcliffe was just a mousy 11-year-old with an underdeveloped talent for witchcraft. Now he spends his nights making his clothes disappear in front of a live audience. Yes, Radcliffe is growing up indeed and Harry Potter is developing just as fast. So long are the days when Harry’s biggest annoyances consisted of Potions class, evading Filch and Malfoy’s sneers. You-Know-Who was mostly lurking in the background, but now he’s back in human form and only Harry is capable of accepting this truth.

I’m a huge fan of the Potter series (books first and movies second), but Order of the Phoenix wasn’t exactly the best Potter book. Truth be told, it was my least favorite and it took me 3 tries to read it all the way through. Why was it so hard to get through? First, it is the longest of the books, but it is also the most tedious. The plot moved along at a glacial pace and nothing good happens (at least up through the first 400 pages). I know that surprises are fun and I shouldn’t complain when Rowling decided to mix things up by making the story so dark, but what happened to the mystery and the awe that the Potter series was known for dishing out. These are all minor complaints, because ultimately after I finally finished the book, I loved it as a chapter in the series. It is still my least favorite, but in the way that a parent might secretly have a least favorite child.

Enough about the book, this is a review of the movie after all and the movie was great. Most of this is due to the superb direction by British television director David Yates who isolates Harry and slowly builds a sullen tension off of his loneliness. Year five is a will-testing year of sorts for Harry. Everyone turns on him, the school is taken over by the Ministry of Magic, Hagrid’s missing, and oh yeah, Voldemort can enter Harry’s mind.

As every Potter book begins, Harry is spending his summer with his muggle relatives. Soul sucking Dementors attack Harry at a playground, which sets up Harry having to go through a Ministry of Magic trial for the crime of the underage use of magic. You see, this is really all just a ploy to kick Harry out of school thus silencing him from rousing concern that Lord Voldemort is back. Everyone seems perfectly happy believing Potter is crazy than accepting the terrifying truth. It’s scary when you finally realize that maybe things like Global Warming aren’t hoaxes after all. Ah, the sweet smell of denial.

Harry isn’t banished from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but a member of the Ministry is granted special powers to teach at the school and govern over the schools activities. This teacher is Professor Dolores Umbridge played deliciously by Imelda Staunton. She rules over the school like a 50’s loving fascist inebriated with power smiling sadistically all the way. As the main villain she assumes the open position as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and tortures her students with a very different teaching style. She believes children should be taught defensive theory as opposed to anything that a real witch or wizard should know, like spells and charms for example. We finally have some good news when Harry finds he does have some friends that still support him and they form a secret group of rebel fighters who will teach each other defensive magic if they won’t learn it at school.

The production values in this Potter adventure are really astounding. We have a few great action sequences towards the end as Harry & co face off against the Death Eaters. Any non Potter fans following this? The costuming, effects and settings are as believable and atmospheric as in the other films. But, the problem with adapting these longer books is that a lot must get chopped out. For example, Maggie Smith and Alan Rickman only have a couple of scenes to show off their acting gusto. And Hermione and Ron have been reduced to tiny minor characters. But this is still a fun Potter adventure and at least to me a little more enjoyable than reading the book for the first time. Sorry for being brief, but I must get back to reading the Deathly Hallows.

B+

Wed-Block: License to Wed is a wedding unworthy of crashing

License to Wed taught me so much about building the foundation of a happy marriage. For example, I never knew how important it is for men to impress their in-laws. Oh hey, did you know slapstick comedy is a sure way to attract a female? I for one had no idea how important napkins and cheese selections are in wedding preparation. And guys, for the love of God don’t be indecisive when it comes to cheese, napkins and teacups or you might find yourself sitting on the curb. I know what you’re thinking, even if you give her your opinion she'll prefer the other option, but at least then it seems as though you’re contributing. But when the credits finally rolled, I remembered that life is not like the movies and lessons like these can only exist in a sappy cookie-cutter romantic comedy of gargantuan disappointment that makes Meet the Parents look Oscar worthy.

Who’s to blame for this mess? I think it’s screenwriters Kim Barker, Tim Rasmussen and Vince Di Meglio, who combined have developed a tired, boring story that has fewer laughs than Geraldo Rivera attempting stand-up. The film seems sucked dry of comedy and leaves the audience like a barren desert of half smiles and blank stares, desperately thirsty for even a mirage of anything that resembles humor. As a huge fan of TV’s The Office, the funniest moments were reduced to random cameo appearances by cast members. Even comic genius Wanda Sykes resorted to slapstick and pun gags in her one scene. You would think some of the actors in this film could at least put their own comic spin on this lame dialogue, but even their most earnest efforts ultimately fail. It’s not that the acting is bad. Robin Williams, Mandy Moore and John Krasinski all do a decent job, but decent doesn’t cut it when the words that come from your voice undermine every attempt you make to elevate the film with your fine performance.

John Krasinski and Mandy Moore star as Ben and Sadie, a couple that is about to get married. We quickly learn that Sadie is a very high maintenance girl who doesn’t waste her time compromising things like wedding plans with Ben. There is no discussion about where the wedding will take place or even when, because by George, that’s Sadie’s decision and she wants to get married at her hometown church. Ben says ok. I’m not even sure if Ben’s family was invited. I guess that would be indecisive strike one for Ben if anyone’s counting, but since Sadie is selective in noticing when Ben’s flaws are actually flaws, I don’t think she included this one.

In order for Sadie and Ben to be married in Sadie’s church they must survive Reverend Frank’s (Robin Williams) grueling marriage preparation course. Once the course has started we realize we are in for two-hour sitcom that would have been canceled after its first episode. Not only is Reverend Frank completely humorless, but he is annoying and very creepy. His idea of relationship counseling consists of bugging Sadie and Ben’s apartment to make sure they don’t have sex and blindfolding Sadie while driving so Ben can navigate to safety. Of course, Ben yells that Reverend Frank is insane, but for some reason Ben still fights for the love of this girl, who from what I can tell, is insane herself and not worth the trouble. This leaves me to wonder about Ben’s mental health and ultimately I arrived at the conclusion that all of the films characters must have some form of mental deficiency.

Reverend Frank’s creepiness arrives from the fact that he has a 12-year-old male companion that is part of the “ministers of the future” program. Riiiiight, that’s a good one. This concept is completely ill conceived and adds a layer of ickiness to every scene in which Reverend Frank and his minor confidant spend all night in the back of a van “spying” or traveling by plane to tropical destinations. I know, this sounds ridiculous, but if you don’t believe me go see the movie. On second thought, don’t.

I guess there are a few mild laughs here and there. The robot babies were temporarily humorous. Krasinski's mannerisms made me chuckle more than anything else. I rooted for this movie and tried to enjoy it, but these writers made it so difficult. If you want to see a funny romantic comedy go see Knocked Up. If you want a formulaic one joke chick flick with a hint of pedophilia see License to Wed.

C

Take Your Medicine: Michael Moore has a 'doc' that can cure America

In college, I studied abroad in the Dominican Republic. There my tour guide informed us that the Dominican people are provided with a national healthcare system, which he proudly described as the best free healthcare in the Caribbean. I found this surprising, considering the poverty rates and lax environmental laws, but then I noticed the plethora of local amputees. Just because a country has national healthcare doesn’t mean it’s as competent as those without. But if any country could find a way to provide all of its citizens with free superior healthcare coverage it would be the United States of America. So, why doesn’t the wealthiest and most powerful nation on Earth have universal healthcare? That is the question Michael Moore poses to us with his latest sickening success, ‘Sicko’.

Sicko is humorous and heartbreaking, but ultimately as important, if not more so, than any other film by Michael Moore. Of course, Moore is up to his usual antics, playing the muckraking pseudo journalist as he confidently exposes the American hypocrisies that drive him crazy. With Bowling For Columbine and especially Fahrenheit 9/11, Moore alienated the conservative audience due to his scathing and unapologetic anger at republican ideals. But this time, he is more composed and completely sincere in persuading liberals and conservatives alike that universal healthcare is the logical direction a moral society should head. I still don’t think many Bush lovers will bring themselves to see a Michael Moore film, but they should see this one. A Sicko ticket would surely be better spent than wasting money on Evan Almighty, right?

It should be noted that Moore doesn’t appear until 40 minutes into this film. Perhaps he is attempting to be taken more seriously after Fahrenheit 9/11 didn’t succeed in electing John Kerry. But Moore is ever present, as he narrates the cases of several people that were severally mistreated by their medical insurance companies. Watching Sicko may remind you of your own close encounters with insurance sharks. In our society we must navigate fine print exceptions and cryptic language when dealing with company contracts. It’s hard to trust companies when they make what they offer so difficult to acquire. Maybe you’re not aware that the healthcare industry treats its clients like business opportunities, but in the long run, they’re corporations too. For example, we meet a woman who was in a car accident and was taken to the hospital by ambulance. The insurance company wouldn’t cover the ambulance ride because they said it wasn’t pre-approved. It’s a little difficult to check in with your insurance company when you’re unconscious. Another 22-year-old woman came down with cervical cancer and wasn’t covered for treatment because she is considered too young to have that form of cancer. I can’t believe they write such idiotic excuses to people who are clearly suffering from serious diseases. We even meet a couple who move into their daughters basement after the loss of their life savings due to paying off insurance bills for three heart attack related hospital visits and cancer treatments. But wait a second, these people aren’t deadbeats who are taking advantage of the system. In fact, the woman was a newspaper editor, her husband also had a good job and they both had benefits. Still, company medical coverage only last so long and eventually you will have to go into your own pocket. I know life’s not fair, but why should people who fall on especially hard times be punished more with endless medical bills? Moore says they shouldn’t, because a just society that puts its citizens first should come to their aid when help is needed. In my case, I guess Moore is preaching to the choir, but I would like to think that this film is so convincing it would change even the Scroogiest conservative minds.

Moore explores the perception that many people in America have of universal healthcare coverage found in similar first world nations. The general consensus being that it’s inadequate compared with our medical practices. I mean, this is America after all, where anything is possible. Strangely enough, many Canadians get along fine with their free health coverage. At the hospitals, people generally wait a half hour or forty minutes and leave without paying a cent. Moore’s relatives are so comfortable with the system, the only way they will visit him in the United States is by applying for medical insurance prior to their stay.

Moore also takes us to France, England and Cuba, to show us our other neighbors who all manage with universal healthcare. In England, one of our closest allies, we see how important universal healthcare is to its citizens. When Moore asks a few hospital patients when they pay for their medical services most of them laugh, one even jokes “what do you think this is, America?”. In France, the government goes above and beyond what many American’s would consider “proper” management. I mean, universal healthcare is one thing but could many American’s imagine mothers on maternity leave being provided with government-funded nannies that cook, clean, and even do laundry! The French national law even requires its working citizens to have five weeks vacation time. Those lazy French, no wonder we hate them so much. When will they learn that true freedom means working extra hard and shopping at Wal-Mart?

As it turns out there is one place in the U.S. that receives universal healthcare: Guantanamo Bay. In one of Moore’s typical humorous routines, he brings three boatloads of volunteer 9/11 rescue workers to the bay to see if they will treat the heroes ignored by our government. Of course, this was just staged for laughs, but seriously isn’t it somewhat ridiculous that enemy combatants are treated more humanly than American heroes?

Michael Moore is one of the great American satirical artists of our time. His films are insightful and hysterical, but more importantly they make a statement. Like most great artists, he is driven by a passion to shed light on important issues and it’s hard not to be taken in by his engaging films. Of course his wit and tone has a liberal bias, but would you expect an artist to censor their work or ignore their feelings? And yes it’s true that Moore is a provocateur who doesn’t provide all the answers. But at least he shows us that universal healthcare is possible in democratic societies. Moore’s films are rewarding experiences, filled with humorous gags and emotionally devastating moments. Sicko is one of his best and I just hope this film will have a greater impact than Fahrenheit 9/11 or at the very least win best documentary at the Academy Awards.

A

Battle Bots: Michael Bay Strikes Again with Transformers

Why must Michael Bay movies always be so Michael Bay-ish? He can never resist the urge to throw in staple moments recycled again and again in his films. Transformers is no exception with its string of Michael Bayisms. Let’s see: someone using flares in slow-motion (check), government officials who know very little about what their dealing with (check), a cheesy romantic scene right before something heroic is attempted (check), men that become aroused from abusing their authority (check), the rule that the only females on screen should be Maxim models (check), an in your face score that believes it will make you emotional when played with slow-motion characters (check), war room dialogue that always starts with the word ‘gentlemen’ (check), Jon Voight (check), and action, action and more action (double check). Michael Bay always attempts to undermine himself with cliché after cliché, but this time he didn’t succeed for three reasons; Shia LaBeouf, Steven Spielberg and Industrial Light and Magic.

The special effects in this film are excellent and quite a sight to behold. Watching the robots transform from everyday vehicles into titanic droids is seamless, unbelievably realistic looking and worth the price of admission on its own. But Shia LaBeouf’s electric and witty performance is the paramount reason to buy a ticket. He is single-handedly able to transform Bay’s cliché ridden feast into a fun popcorn movie in which we actually care about the characters (or at least his character).

We learn at the films opening, that the world of Transformers has become extinct as a result of constant war between two robot clans: the Autobots (the good guys) and the Decepticons (the bad guys). The most evil Decepticon named Megatron crash landed on earth in the 1930’s and was frozen in one of the polar ice caps. He was searching for a cube on earth, which is the source of extraterrestrial robot life. Who made the cube and how it works I’m not really sure, but none of that matters since it is mostly a plot device designed so we can have robots rumble in the Bronx.

Looking back, it’s hard to figure out where this whole story got started, but I think it was a scene in which a helicopter Decepticon wipes out an entire military base somewhere in the Middle East. Next we are introduced to LaBeouf’s character Sam Witwicky, an average teenager who hopes to impress a girl at school with his new car. The car he recently acquired is a Transformer named Bumble Bee, who sought out Witwicky to protect him. Apparently, Witwicky’s great grandfather was a famous explorer who discovered Megatron on his journey and left an item of his possession to Sam after his death. The item is a pair of glasses (another plot device) that is wanted by the Autobots and the Decepticons. All the scenes with Witwicky are fantastic. He is a funny kid that attempts to be a smooth operator with his parents and chicks, but can’t seem to keep his foot out of his mouth.

The first half of the movie is humorous and charming, as we get to know Witwicky’s family and his quest to impress Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox). Then Witwicky’s car drives away and he chases after it on his mom’s bike. He learns that his car is actually a robot here to help him and Bumble Bee introduces him to the other Autobots who need his help.

Transformers seemed like Speilberg quality, with the great special effects as well as unique developing characters. But slowly and surely Michael Bay’s true vision begins to unfold. Bay had to cut to the government developments as they try to solve hidden computer codes planted by the Decepticons. There is even an Australian supermodel hacker that solves the riddle of the code, but still has to meet with some other hacker that lives with his grandmother, which follows with them being captured by the FBI for downloading top secret material. They are taken to an interrogation room and we cut back to them whenever Michael Bay is desperate for a ‘meanwhile’ moment. We also have the survivors of the Army base attack as they continue to fight another Transformer in the dessert. And it pains me to say that the great John Turturro plays the films most annoying character as Agent Simmons who waltzes into Witwicky’s house like a wild west sheriff to find out what he knows about alien robots. They might as well have given him a six shooter and a star shaped badge. Most of this stuff is pointless filler that could have been trimmed or completely removed.

The movie is thrown together as if Bay didn’t have the confidence explore only LaBeouf’s character, so instead he constantly cuts to scenes from all over the world. At times, it’s like Michael Bay’s version of Babel. The battle scenes between the robots are also frustrating because it is impossible to tell what is going on. One robot alone is stunning, but the fight scenes consist of robots duking it out like two cage fighters. As soon as their metallic bodies merge, all I could see was a shiny blurry image of constantly scraping and shifting metal. And that is basically all we see for the last half hour of the film, which goes on way too long. And don’t get me started on the middle of the film, which totally rips off the Area 51 scenes from Independence Day.

Yes, Transformers is a flawed and goofy film, but it is also a lot of fun. The writing toward the beginning is very funny. Most of the action sequences are exciting, though they’re no where near as thrilling as Speilberg’s War of the Worlds (which is a masterpiece next to this film). But despite Transformers blemishes (thanks Mr. Bay) LaBeouf has worked his magic again. He is a natural actor who continues to impress me film after film. So see Transformers for the f/x, but mostly for LaBeouf’s performance, then rent Disturbia when it comes out on DVD and wait avidly for LaBeouf’s turn as Indiana Jones’ son.

B

The Cook, the Hat, Brad Bird & His Rat: Pixar Adds a Touch of Masterpiece to Their Menu with ‘Ratatouille’

What would Disney be right now if it wasn’t for Pixar? Every time a new Disney film tanks, Pixar storms in with a brilliant new cinematic delight. I love all the Pixar movies and obviously I’m not alone. So it came as no surprise to me that Ratatouille garnered rave reviews and rocketed to number one at the box office its opening weekend. There was no doubt in my mind that it would be an enjoyable film. What did surprise me is how truly magnificent it is. It is hilarious, moving, inspiring, and thrilling. The film is a laugh riot that had me in tears several times. With the exception of Live Free or Die Hard, it had the most exciting action sequences I’ve seen all summer. Ratatouille is also gorgeously animated, depicting a detailed recreation of Paris, France. And of course, the characters are all lovable and engagingly complex. Not only is it one of the very best Pixar films (ranking with Toy Story and Finding Nemo), but it is one of the best films of the year.

Ratatouille is so startlingly original it’s like no other animated film I’ve seen before. I know this is something we’ve come to expect from Pixar, but even for them it’s surprisingly fresh material. There are some elements that seem vaguely familiar, like the cuddly animals, the villains, and the over protective father, but other than those similarities, Ratatouille is a gourmet chef’s special order that is one of a kind.

Essentially, Ratatouille is about the pursuit of ones dreams to infinity and beyond (sorry, I couldn’t resist). It is also an in depth look at the passion that drives a brilliant artist. It starts with a rodent named Remy (voiced by comedian Patton Oswalt) who is the black sheep of his rat pack family. Remy was gifted with an unusually acute sense of smell and can detect the faintest ingredients in any concoction. He lives in the country and longs for a chance to be a real chef like his idol, Paris’ most famous cook, Chef Gusteau. Of course, a rat could never realize such a dream, one reason being that rats eat garbage and can’t be bothered to appreciate the subtleties of fine dining. But the more pressing problem is that Remy is a rat. After a near death encounter with a granny who is a likely card-carrying member of the French N.R.A., Remy is separated from his family. He now must choose to either live in the sewers as a rat or chase after his dream of becoming a Paris chef. With only the persuasive hope offered by Remy’s imaginary vision of Gusteau, Remy goes for his dreams.

Next we meet Linguini (Lou Romano), a bumbling young man who acquires the garbage boy position at Gusteau’s restaurant. Linguini wants to be a success at his work, but seems destined to fail at whatever he tries. After Linguini destroys a stew, Remy successfully fixes the recipe, but is discovered by Linguini in the process. Linguini is ordered to kill the rat, but is unable to after he realizes that Remy is a natural born chef. The two come up with a brilliant plan to join forces and become the greatest chef in Paris. At first, there are many kinks the unlikely pair must work out, for instance how does a rat that doesn’t speak English communicate recipe orders to a human. By accident Remy pulls a few strands of Linguini’s hair and his limbs involuntarily move as if he’s a marionette. There is a great montage sequence in which we see the two practice their puppetry until Linguini moves like a real person. I wonder if Brad Bird came up with these puppetry scenes from watching Weekend at Bernie’s?

Like all Disney films, there are a few villains lurking in the shadows. The main rival is Skinner (Ian Holm) the squat sinister chef that took over after Gusteau’s death. Skinner looks a little like a cross between a chimpanzee and a toad. He wants to exploit Gusteau’s memory by selling various food products (like corndogs) labeled with Gusteau’s name. But the arrival of the new chef Linguini presents Skinner with new challenges as he desperately attempts to uncover the source of Linguini’s ‘talent’. Peter O’toole also adds his distinct voice to the film as Anton Ego, the scrooge like food critic who lampooned the last meal Chef Gusteau prepared before his death. Writing his reviews from his coffin shaped room, he is a bitter old man who makes a living crushing the dreams of those too timid to fight for them. He is basically the Simon Cowell of food criticism. What makes these villains so interesting is that they are very human. All to often, cartoon villains become one-note characters that are only there as rival representatives. But these villains are people that are driven not by evil impulses, but typical human motivations.

We also have brilliant voice work done by Janeane Garofalo and Brian Dennehy. Garofalo plays Colette, the only female cook in Gusteau’s restaurant. She is a feisty abrasive chef who also had to work double time to make her way to Gusteau’s kitchen. Dennehy is perfect as the voice of Remy’s father Django, who wants Remy to be garbage eater. What’s great about the voice work here is that we aren’t trying to find the celebrities underneath these characters, which has become standard practice after most of the Dreamworks cartoons. Instead, O’toole’s voice is a perfect fit for Ego and Garofalo and Holm disguise their voices well enough that you might not even recognize them.

This movie has something for everyone. At times it is exciting and adventurous. Later, it is touching and romantic. And the entire movie is utterly hysterical. I even got choked up a few times at the inspiring nature of this story. Films about characters that are destined to be great often end up great in their own right. Remy is truly heroic for pursuing his dreams and the film is a wonderful yet unpredictable journey of an artists ambitions. As Ego states, “Not everyone can be a great artist. But a great artist can come from anywhere”. Not only is this true of Remy, but it is the truth for director Brad Bird and all the other geniuses behind Ratatouille. This animated Pixar film is a masterpeice and so far it is the best film I’ve seen this year.

A

Yippie-ki-yay McClane Lovers: Bruce Willis is Back at His Die Hardest Yet!

It’s been a year shy of two decades since the world was first introduced to the resilient smart-ass everyman hero John McClane. In that time, McClane has rescued the hostages of the Nakatomi building, directed passenger planes to the Dulles runways (snakes not included), saved New York City from the schoolyard game obsessed bomber, and put Bruce Willis on the map of celebrity stardom. Now it is up to John McClane to save the United States of America from total economic collapse and nation wide anarchy. In Die Hard 5, will McClane prevent an earthquake by flying around the planet 1,000 times or defeat General Zod? Yes, the idea that one man alone can save the world from terrorists is comical and ridiculous in theory, but Willis’ McClane is always able to pull it off. Willis was born to play this role and exudes his wise guy Jersey roots in every scene. I grew up believing that the Die Hard films were the Big Daddy of the action genre. In the same respect, I always felt that John McClane was the king of action movie heroes. My love for this series is why I’m especially ecstatic to tell you that McClane’s fourth adventure is an updated, uproarious, blockbuster event and one of the best chapters in the series. In Live Free or Die Hard, Willis’ presence is as commanding as ever and the film is a fast paced thrill ride that dares you to blink.

I was hooked as soon as the 20th Century Fox logo at the films opening is made to look as though it is shut down like a town losing power. The film opens with computer operators talking to each other via phone headsets. One of these operators hits a delete button and it’s the 4th of July in his apartment. For some reason, a group of terrorists is killing off expert computer hackers (the kind of hackers the FBI keeps case files on). Meanwhile, John McClane is radioed to take care of one last job to pick up a kid and bring him downtown. The kid is Matt Farrell (Justin Long), a nerdy hacker that is wanted by the authorities alive, but wanted dead by the terrorists. As always, what was supposed to be a simple delivery job becomes the first of many expertly made exhilarating action sequences.

We soon realize that the terrorists are lead by Thomas Gabriel (Timothy Olyphant) who is hell bent on teaching the U.S. government a lesson in national security. Gabriel has developed the perfect plan for disabling all functions of American life by hacking into every government run facility and taking them hostage. Armed with his own private geek squad and suave Gucci attire, Gabriel uses his new power to turn every stoplight green, control the T.V. airways, and shut down electricity to the eastern coast. In this post-9/11, level orange, technology obsessed society, this plot plays off our nations deepest fears and is all the better for it. Every James Bond villain’s mouth would drop if they could see this film. Considering how far fetched this evil plot may sound, later developments will illustrate that Gabriel is probably the only man who could initiate such events. He would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for that meddling McClane. It must be hard for Olyphant to have to follow Oscar winner Jeremy Irons and the equally talented Alan Rickman for the spot of new bad guy in town, but he does an adequate job. Perhaps he’s not as menacing as his predecessors, but he embodies a collected, simmering hostility that makes Gabriel an enticing adversary.

John McClane rampages back to the big screen like an aging gunslinger from a spaghetti western that’s never lost his straight shot. This is one of the first movies from a series I have seen that beautifully merges its origins with the high tech advancements in filmmaking. The main criticism you hear in regards to the Star Wars prequels is that the updated CGI effects don’t match with the model work of Luke Skywalker’s generation. It’s quite the opposite in this film, in which the obstacles are bigger and meaner, but we still have the same old John McClane. For example, McClane faces off against two henchmen that force him to muse, “Is the circus in town?”. The first is the sexy martial arts expert Mai Lihn (Maggie Q) who is more than an even match for McClane (she’d probably give Beatrix Kiddo a run for her money). He can’t take an eye off of her for more than a second without being tossed out a window. The second is a monkey man acrobat that moves with agility and an improvised Spider-Man method that would have been unthinkable in the 80’s action era. This forces McClane to rely on his quick thinking resourcefulness more than ever, which makes the movie ridiculously entertaining.

The stunt work and special effects are all top notch in this film. Whether McClane is speeding a car into a helicopter or driving a tractor-trailer over a collapsing bridge, it is all realistic and pulse poundingly exciting. I even caught myself ducking down in my chair to dodge a few bullets here and there. The movie is so action packed, it makes Mission Impossible 3 look likes kids stuff. The film is well directed with an interesting visual style and for an action film of this caliber it is intelligent and very well written. Justin Long is great as the helpful sarcastic sidekick and actually has his own interesting character arch. There is even a fun small performance from Clerk’s II director Kevin Smith. And of course, Willis is balder and better than ever!

Maybe everyone needs an action hero to root for now and then. Someone who won’t take anybody’s crap and refuses to acknowledge the word quit as existing in the English dictionary. Some people may go with Rambo, James Bond, Dirty Harry or any of The Governator’s roles. For me there are two I always turn to: Sigourney Weaver’s Ellen Ripley and Willis’ John McClane. To me they are the mother and father of action movie magic. McClane always has my trust and devotion and so far, Live Free or Die Hard is the best blockbuster of the summer.

A-

Danger Room: 1408 is One Hell of a Scary Time

Good haunted house films are hard to come by, but I still get excited about them when they come along. Recent ghost movies have ranged from lousy films like The Grudge and The Amityville Horror, to the terrible ones I have luckily avoided like White Noise and The Ring 2. With the modern obsession filmmakers have with CGI effects and jack-in-the-box scares, ghosts on screen have lost the allusive mystique that make them scary to begin with. But thanks to Mikael Hafstrom’s new spine chiller 1408, ghosts are scary again and probably the scariest they’ve ever been.

To this day, the scariest movie I have ever seen is The Blair Witch Project. I guess I fall into the category of people who are more afraid of what they can’t see on screen than what they can. As soon as they show the monster/ghost/alien/killer/creature I am relieved that it isn’t as scary as what my brain had come up with. Now 1408 doesn’t leave everything to your imagination, but it shares a common factor with Blair Witch in that they are both about people or a person trapped in an evil environment. In the same sense that the forest is the villain in The Blair Witch Project, so is the room 1408. What can be more frightening than a personified evil place?

The film starts with Mike Enslin (John Cusak) making his way through torrential downpour to stay overnight at a “haunted” hotel. He is a travel writer who writes stories about haunted places for a living. His current book is about haunted hotels and after all the cemeteries and bell towers he has visited, he is convinced that ghosts aren’t real. What makes Enslin such a fascinating character is his passion for finding proof of the existence of spirits, which he desperately yearns for. As we learn later in the film, Enslin only became intrigued with the afterlife following the death of his daughter. He wants to believe in the afterlife to find proof that his little girl still exists. I guess a visit to John Edwards wouldn't work for Enslin. His obsession with ghosts eventually led to the deterioration of his marriage and a turn towards alcohol.

Enslin was just about to give up on ghosts when he received a post card telling him not to enter room 1408 of the Dolphin Hotel. Of course, Enslin is well versed in various hauntings and ready to go on this last mission. First he has to go through the hotel manager Mr. Olin (Samuel L. Jackson) who is determined to have him stay elsewhere. Jackson is terrific in his few scenes as he civilly attempts to warn Enslin of the dangers of room 1408. Not only have about twenty more people died in the room than Enslin had researched (the newspapers didn’t report the ‘natural deaths’), but one person drowned in their chicken soup and a maid who got locked in the bathroom cut out her own eyes. Enslin, who is convinced the room is nothing more than an elaborate myth perpetuated by the hotel employees, nonchalantly turns down Olin’s offers. Part of the genius of this set up is the casting of Samuel L. Jackson, who does his usual badass routine, but is himself so terrified of the room that he only goes on that floor once a month to turn down the room’s bed sheets. Before Enslin left for 1408, Olin let him know that the room isn’t haunted by a spirit or something Enslin would have encountered on the job by saying that 1408 is “an evil fucking room”.

Once Enslin enters the room the rest of the movie is essentially a one-man show and Cusack is remarkable throughout. Cusack did a wonderful job playing a man who journeys from having no faith in the afterlife to coming to the terrible realization that not only are there ghost, but he is trapped in an evil fucking room. Most of the shocks and thrills come from watching Cusack, as he convincingly plays horrified and desperate. I loved how the room slowly lets its presence know first in little ways like magically leaving chocolates on the bed pillows to sealing the only exit shut and manipulating the reality of the room. As Enslin endures various degrees of psychological terrors, we discover that the room operates by distorting your perceptions with nightmarish visions that are so terrifying you will kill yourself to escape the room’s torments.

When Enslin first enters the room, he says, “Hotels are naturally creepy places”. It seems that in the case of Hollywood they are. From Bates Motel to the Overlook, nothing good ever seems to come from staying at a hotel. I don’t know why hotels have such a terrible effect on sanity in films, but I’m glad they do. I am also glad that 1408 is another successful horror movie that deserves is honorary spot next to those scary hotels. So prepare yourself for a bumpy night, because 1408 is one creepy movie that is bound to give you a shocking good time.

B+

Last Tango In Paris: Paris Je T'aime is a Beautiful Cinematic Journey

Paris, Je T’aime made me jealous of anyone with firsthand knowledge of Paris’ beauty. It is so full of devotion and appreciation for the city, I wish I could more fully understand the specific sights and senses attributed to this historic place. Regardless of never having been there myself, knowing Paris is by no means a requirement to fully appreciate Paris, Je T’aime. It is an exuberant collision of some of the most creative and talented filmmaking I have seen. It is a compilation of eighteen five-minute short films written and directed by film auteurs from across the globe. We witness the stunning work of such directors as the Coen brothers, Alfonso Cuarón, Gus Van Sant, Alexander Payne, Tom Tykwer, Walter Salles, and even Wes Craven. The mission of this work was to capture on celluloid a celebratory tribute to the people, places and emotions that are Paris, France. The films illustrate a wide range of tones, styles and themes, but they all explore relationships in the city of lights. It’s a cinematic poem that is artistically astounding and a joy to watch.

There are so many great characters and moments in this film that it’s hard to remember them all. It’s also a challenge to decide on the best short, because so many of them are fantastic. One of my favorites is the creepy noir vampire tale from Vincenzo Natali (director of Cube). Elijah Wood plays a lost tourist who has an unexpected encounter with a female vampire. What’s even more unexpected is that they fall in love. This short has the most memorable visual style of the film, from the animated brilliant blood to the foggy deserted blue tinted alley streets. It is a sweet yet eerie homage to gothic silent horror films.


The funniest film is directed by Alexander Payne and tells the tale of Carol (the always reliable character actress Margo Martindale), an American tourist who comes to Paris to discover love. The hilarity of this piece begins with Carol’s appalling American-English accent as she earnestly attempts to narrate her Paris journey. The film is perfectly placed towards the end, giving us countless examples of how spoken French is supposed to sound. Equipped with her fanny pack and American sensibility, Carol is a lonesome woman desperately searching for new love and ultimately finds the city of Paris to be just that. Payne as usual presents a heartfelt story that is somber and honest, but also hysterical and beautifully written.

Gus Van Sant’s film centers on the question of the existence of soul mates. Gaspard Ulliel (Hannibal Rising) meets a silent young man who he asks if he believes in love at first sight. Ulliel breathlessly tells the boy that he thinks they are meant to be together and gives him his phone number. Once Ulliel leaves we discover that the silent young man doesn’t understand French, but rushes out of the building to find Ulliel once he realizes what just happened. It is ironic, subtle, inspiring and very enjoyable.

The Coen brothers’ film is also great and carries their signature style of absurdist dark humor. Steve Buscemi plays a tourist waiting for a subway train as a couple across the tracks practices their French kissing. Not only does Buscemi have to contend with the harassment of a child’s spitballs, but also clashes cultures with the kissing couple when he doesn’t adhere to the guide book advice “Avoid eye contact”.

Those are some of the best films hidden in this mosaic of a movie, but there are many more treasures around the corner. The film is a rollercoaster of emotions and creativity, almost like walking through an art museum. Some shorts are downright sad, like Juliette Binoche’s story of coping with the death of her son and finding hope in a vision of a cowboy (her son’s obsession). Some comment on the heartbreaking inequalities humans face, as we watch Catalina Sandino Moreno (Maria Full of Grace) travel great distances away from her own child to spend most of her time taking care of someone else’s. Even still, many are just silly and fun, like a tale of two mimes that fall in love in jail. Combined, these shorts create a great film that is enjoyable and exciting, often moving and inspiring, and always a cinematic treat for any film lover.

A-

Hang 10 Dudes: The Fantastic 4 Benefit from "The Rise of the Silver Surfer"

After witnessing the Saturday morning cartoonish fiasco that was the first Fantastic 4, I wasn’t expecting to be impressed or even entertained by Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer. To be honest, I mostly wanted to see it so I could proceed to write a scathing review. Since I’m not a paid critic and I don’t see every God-awful movie under the sun, this would certainly be the perfect opportunity to write a brutal review and tear away at the film like the unsuspecting bimbos locked up in one of Eli Roth’s dungeons. I figured the vault of torments would be endless this time around. But to my surprise (or perhaps shame and dismay) I actually mildly enjoyed this movie. I’m not saying it’s a great movie (it’s a mile from being fantastic), but considering my expectations for it bomb, it was surprisingly entertaining.

I must admit from the start, that out of all the reviews I have written so far, this will probably be the one to offend or appall readers with critical minds or medium to high film standards. Why? Because, ‘Rise of the Silver Surfer’ is technically a bad movie. I’m willing to admit that fact. But for a bad movie, it’s a lot of fun. The film is stuffed with screwball humor, it is ridiculously cheesy, and it bombards its audience with an endless supply of the most absurd dialogue you’re sure to hear in any film this summer. There are times the dialogue came close to putting Batman & Robin to shame. My brain has plenty insults to toss its way, but my heart just doesn’t want to. So lets look at the where the film succeeds.

Its main success is its special effects, which are pretty fantastic. When you have superheroes that can engulf in flames, create force fields and stretch to fantastic lengths, you want to see these abilities in action. The first film got it all wrong by only using the powers for the sake of using them. Sure the effects were impressive, but they were wasted. It was a live action cartoon featuring mutants performing powers in a four-ring circus, with a villain thrown in for the end. If I wanted to see freakish people exhibiting amazing abilities for 2 hours I’d go see Cirque Du Soleil. For the sequel, they seemed to get most of that unnecessary showboating out of the way and kept a more steady focus on the plot. Now we finally get to see Superheroes use their powers the way they are supposed to be used. We also meet the Silver Surfer, who is one of the most interesting CGI creations bound to come along this summer (at least until Transformers comes out) and the type of villain Spider-Man 3 desperately needed. The only problem I can find with the CGI of this film is that it does look ‘cartoony’ at times. Then again, this might not be a problem with the CGI as much as it is with the effects required for these characters. I’m not so sure a think tank composed of Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Stanley Kubrick could make a stretchy man look realistic.

The film opens with two of the Fantastic 4 getting married. Reed Richards or Mr. Fantastic (Ioan Gruffudd) is about to tie the knot with Sue Storm or The Invisible Woman (Jessica Alba). Everything seems to be going fine until an I-pod phone thing rings in the stretchy guys pocket, which is apparently very important. He is working on some type of science project, which requires him to have up to the minute progress reports (I guess). Richards is definitely the most irritating part of this movie. Most of his scenes involve him reciting pseudo rocket science jargon and having epiphanies with no meaning or logic behind them. The dialogue used during these scenes is so useless and laughably bad, it makes scripts by the Wachowski Brothers look like Moby Dick. Gruffudd played his character so rigidly serious I couldn’t help but cringe. Jessica Alba wasn’t that much better, but she at least had a few humorous moments. On the other hand, Chris Evans provides a hysterically hammy performance as the egotistical Johnny Storm a.k.a. the Human Torch. To Johnny, saving lives is a lucrative business as he dons his costume with sponsor logos. Michael Chiklis also provides a fun performance as the ogre like creature called The Thing. These two seem to know they’re in a B movie and love every second of it. As the Fantastic 4, they are even more famous than they are in real life and it is fun how these actors play comic hero versions of their on screen personas.

My favorite part of the movie is the Silver Surfer. Not only is he visually interesting as his shiny ghostlike form zips along on his surfboard, but he is sympathetic and crestfallen. He has come to mark Earth as the next planet to be consumed by the god like Galactus. He is a slave who must aid in the destruction of countless worlds in order to save his own. When I finally heard him talk I gasped at the genius of Laurence Fishburne’s extrinsic voice. As bizarre as it sounds, I was actually emotionally invested in this character.

The rest of the film involves the Fantastic 4 facing off against the Silver Surfer, who just might be their hero. There are many amusing action sequences. One involves the giant Ferris wheel in London. There is also an awesome spaceship chase sequence reminiscent of Star Wars. And even though most of the jokes are cheesier than Kraft, a few of them were pretty funny. I don’t think I would recommend that anyone should go out and watch this any time soon, but considering the previous film, I wasn’t disappointed.

B-

No Wire Hangers Ever!: Don't Abort Knocked Up or You'll Miss Out on One Special Delivery

While walking out of the theater after seeing Knocked Up, two thoughts entered my mind. First, that director Judd Apatow is clearly establishing himself as a film auteur after only his second feature film. My next thought was that Apatow is the missing link between two other great comedy legends: Woody Allen and Kevin Smith. Perhaps it’s not often that you see these names compared, but Knocked Up proved that they are cut from the same cloth. On one end of the spectrum, Kevin Smith takes highbrow subjects like religion and sexuality and dumbs it down to intelligent adolescent toilet humor, while Woody Allen’s films always maintain a more dignified demeanor as they comically explore adult themes for the more adult mind. And stuck in the middle is Knocked Up, the raunchy yet brilliant new film from Judd Apatow.

I have to say that after Apatow’s fantastically hysterical 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up had a lot to live up and in many ways it does. Knocked Up follows the story of two opposites that attract by the simple fact that they are about to have a baby together. The father to be is the appropriately named Ben Stone (Seth Rogen) a carefree bum who spends his days smoking blunts with his slacker buds while they “work” on their Internet site. The mother to be is Alison Scott (Grey’s Anatomy’s Katherine Heigl) the motivated career girl who happens to work behind the scenes for the E! Channel. You can’t get more opposite than these two. The Wife Swap creators must be salivating at the possibilities.

Immediately after we witness a hilariously vulgar cameo by American Idol host Ryan Seacreast, Alison is summoned to her boss’s office where she is promoted to a red carpet reporter. This prompts Alison and her married older sister Debbie (Apatow’s wife Leslie Mann) to spend the night on the town celebrating. Alison and Ben meet, they hit it off, one thing leads to another and they wake up the next morning at Alison’s place. When they separate after breakfast, Ben thinks he will never hear from Alison again and rightly so. After insulting Alison’s job and confessing that he’s unemployed, what interest could Alison possibly have in Ben? Let’s face it, he’s no Brad Pitt. But that was before they knew about the baby.

When Alison finds she’s with child, she goes to dinner with Ben to tell him the news, which doesn’t exactly go over well. In the middle of this snazzy restaurant, the two bicker and then yell about whose fault the pregnancy is. This scene is poignant, realistic and surprisingly very funny. This is something you rarely see accomplished in films, at least to the perfection we see here. There are many scenes in Knocked Up that tread over similar territory of lesser recent films. For example, The Break-Up attempted to navigate similar material, but couldn’t tell the difference between pain and comedy. Watching that film, it’s as if a fighting couple is inherently funny. But Apatow’s has a knack for taking real moments out of life, keeping them honest while he extracts the humor from within. I have no idea how he does it, but some how he does.

Obviously, the humor of this film is at least half accomplished by Apatow’s uproarious and insightful script. Maybe the other half is this great comedic cast. Seth Rogen does a terrific job presenting us with an extremely likable loser who has a huge heart and only needs a little faith to become a great dad. Katherine Heigl (who I remember from her days on WB’s Roswell) also rises to the comedic challenges of her role. She can play serious when she needs to be serious and takes the comedic scenes just as seriously. There is also Alison’s sister and brother-in-law Debbie and Pete played by Leslie Mann and Paul Rudd. They are the married couple dealing with their own marital frustrations, presenting a perfect foil to Ben and Alison who are attempting to force a relationship on behalf of the baby. They are more than just sidekick characters though, as they each get emotional scenes where they relate the hardships of marriage to the attentive Ben and Alison. I’ve loved Paul Rudd ever since Clueless. He has such great comedic timing and it’s refreshing to see a guy that always steals the show, but seems to avoid hogging the spotlight. Leslie Mann is also great and really shows her comedic range in this film. On a side note, it is also fun how jam packed this movie is with pop culture references, from simply mentioning Spider-Man 3 to impersonating Jabba the Hutt’s tragic death.

Is Knocked-Up as great as 40 Year Old Virgin? Tough call. I’m such a huge ‘Virgin’ fan, it’s tough to turn my back on it so quickly. But I am sure this is a great film. It is raunchy and vulgar, but it is also sweet and tender. Where other raunchy films like American Pie use dirty humor for malicious and misogynistic ends, Knocked Up is one of the warmest feel good movies I’ve seen in a long time and so far it’s one of the years best.

A-

Ogres & Spiders & Pirates Oh My: Finally Me Hearties, a Sequel to Walk the Plank For!

There’s nothing like starting the blockbuster season off with a swashbuckler. But to describe Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End as merely a swashbuckler would be an understatement, if not insulting. This adventure is an epic high seas, full throttle, take no prisoners, romp! In fact it is so pulse poundingly exciting I’m not at all surprised so many critics decided to jump ship. Sure, there are tons of ways to attack this movie, for example it rampages frantically from start to finish with the logic of a schizophrenic, but to me that was part of its charm. Where Spider-Man 3 didn’t know what it wanted to be, ‘At World’s End’ proudly displays its schizophrenia like a parrot on its shoulder. But honestly, who listens to critics when it comes to action movies anyway? If you loved the first two films, you won’t leave this ride disappointed.

This Caribbean cruise is loaded with everything we’ve come to love about this series and so much more. Again we are acquainted with our friends Capt. Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp outdoing himself as the iconic swaggering pirate), Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley), the squid faced Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) and the return of Capt. Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) and Capt. Sao Feng (Chow Yun-Fat a nice addition to this pirates chapter). First off, it is just so rewarding to watch all of these fine actors put 110% into every scene they’re in. Movies like this can only succeed with rich and engaging characters played by actors who believe in their roles as much as the audience does. It is in this respect that the film is nearly perfect. I wonder if they are all competing with Depp for the spot of the best pirate performance.

To go into detail about the plot of this film would be pointless, as well as pathetic on my part. It is an adventure that is meant to be experienced first hand for regurgitating plot developments would only dilute the flavor of watching the constantly shifting scenes from port to port. What I will say is that Capt. Jack Sparrow was swallowed by the Kraken and now exists in a purgatory known as Davy Jones’ Locker. This allows Johnny Depp to elevate his creative freedom to new plateaus as we experience Sparrow’s insanity. Without saying anything, it is a fantastic scene.

We also know that the treacherous Lord Beckett (Tom Hollander) is enjoying his crusade to rid the world of pirates. The film has an eerie opening, as we see pirates rounded up and led to the gallows, where a boy begins to sing a pirate song. Then all the other hundreds of pirates join in. From a symbolic stand point, it seemed like a heavy opening to a fun pirate adventure, but I was thrilled to see the series taken to the realm of despair we faced in Return of the King and Return of the Jedi. And if you pay attention, you’ll see there is more to that singing than originally thought.

Even though our pirate friends face a fate worse than walking the plank, they are not without hope. We get to meet all the pirate lords who wouldn’t ordinarily get along, but in the face of impending doom will make an exception. Their meeting is like the conference scene from The Godfather if it took place on international talk like a pirate day.

It is quite mind-boggling how much material is jammed into this extravaganza. Gore Verbinski had a daunting task before him and he more than delivered. Writers Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio also did an impressive job of fleshing this story out while the film was being shot. The action sequences and the special effects are all out fantastically jaw dropping. And God Bless Johnny Depp and the rest of the amazing cast for their characters that are destined to become as celebrated as Luke Skywalker and Indiana Jones. Yeah, so this film is overflowing with pirating adventure, but why is that necessarily a bad thing. I had a ball trying to keep up with this amazingly entertaining crazy pirate story. By the end your brain may be swimming like you’ve just been shipwrecked, but that ride was surely worth it.

A-

Ode to an Ogre: 'Shrek the Third' Has Another Sunny Day in Far Far Away

When I saw the first Shrek in the theater I had a bitter taste in my mouth, even before I got to see it. Why? Quite simply because that big green ogre pummeled The Lion King at the box office, which at the time was the king of animated movies. The Lion King was and still is my favorite animated film, but my feelings towards it have evolved into a love and devotion I can't exactly explain. It was unfair of me to reject the admiration people felt for the first film, especially before I had a chance to see it. But I have to admit that even then, I loved every second of Shrek. It was the spoof of Disney fairy tales I had always been waiting for, with more than enough magic to hold its own weight. It approached familiar legends and stories with a sense of realism and contemporary gags I've never considered and the result was engagingly wonderful. Now comes 'Shrek the Third' which does seem a little redundant, but has enough charm and laughs to make it a worthy sequel.

In a way, these Shrek movies go beyond the boundaries of their fairy tale character's private lives. It's not like we found out how Cinderella’s love life was or how many kids Sleeping Beauty had. This time around, what would be the happily ever after in any other animated film is actually the conflict. Princess Fiona's father has died and it is up to Shrek to take his rightful place as king. This is something Shrek has no intentions of doing. Maybe it is too much to ask a swamp loving reclusive ogre to spend his afternoons ruling Far Far Away while drinking English tea? Soon Shrek discovers an alternative: have Fiona's cousin Prince Artie wear the crown. But right before Shrek has a chance to leave to find Artie, Princess Fiona drops the baby bomb on Shrek. Certainly, the pressure of ruling a kingdom and parenting fears are themes that would go right over the heads of kids, but it did add a mature element that I enjoyed.

Meanwhile, Prince Charming, one of the villains from the second film, is hatching his plan to overthrow the monarchy of Far Far Away, giving him a nice chance to shine as one of the films most humorous and enchanting characters. After losing all credibility, Charming has become a typecast second-rate dinner theater actor...playing himself. In one comical scene we see Charming use his talent for manipulation to convince the other folklore villains to join him on his crusade, giving characters like the Evil Step-sister and Captain Hook a tender look into their inner raw anger. Flamboyant animated villains have always held a special place in my heart, which is why I grinned when these villains reflected on the deep injustices they were dealt while their enemies got all the respect. Can’t an evildoer get some love?

Shrek's adventure to find Artie presents us with several original era crossover gags in the form of high school clichés. Shrek digs up Artie at Medieval high school where a few clueless girls call him “totally ew-eth”. There is also a hilarious run in with two geeks, one with a bad case of instant karma whenever he mocks someone. From here, we meet Merlin, an expelled whacked out magic teacher, who is out of touch and practice. The movie slows down in the middle giving Shrek and Artie a chance to bond, but it temporarily ruined the films momentum.

All of the computer animation is top-notch this time around. The mountain landscapes littered with castles and sunsets are so realistic and detailed. And of course there are the characters themselves, almost freakishly human in their expressions and texture. I’m not so sure I needed so many close up shots of Shrek’s leg and chest hair, but even that is grossly realistic. Nice work leg hair animators! And with the help of Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz, Eddie Murphy, Antonio Banderas and Rupert Everett the voice talents are at their most impressive yet. There is also great work done by new comers including Justin Timberlake as Artie, as well as SNL alumni Cheri Oteri, Amy Poehler, and Maya Rudolph giving Xena a run for her money as a team of female warrior princesses.

While Shrek The Third may not be the best Shrek yet, it is consistently funny and sprinkled with tear inducing comedy. There are a few scenes that seem even funnier than the gags in the first two films: one involves The Gingerbread Man's near death experience and another is a nightmare Shrek has about babies of all things. On it's opening weekend Shrek the Third pummeled its own record for the biggest opening weekend for a cartoon, which probably means Shrek the Fourth is on its way. I don't know how much longer Shrek can keep up this success, but for now I'll say long live the king!

B

The Sequels Are Coming! The Sequels Are Coming!: 28 Weeks Later Delivers Another Bloody Good Time

Several of my favorite recent horror films have something in common: their sweet turn sour shocking introductions. In particular, both The Decent and Disturbia begin with cheerful family outings that turn graphically horrible without a moments hesitation. It's like watching a Valtrex commercial followed by Baghdad footage. Keeping in mind these are scary movies, it's hard to let your guard down, especially when the film seems overly eager to sooth you. 28 Weeks Later skips making you feel cozy, yet still has a shockingly terrifying opening. And some how I dropped my guard.

The film opens in what could be a post-apocalyptic zombie infested Britain or WWII Nazi Germany. A group of people are hiding in a candle lit living space, quietly shuffling about as if to evoke images from Anne Frank's Diary. We are given no hints to where they are, but we know they are hiding from the "infected". In the previous film, 28 Days Later, we learned the infected are zombie like humans diseased with the "rage" virus. They are ravenous for human flesh, spew blood from their mouths, and coincidentally transmit their disease through bodily fluids. We know that they can attack at any moment, but as our eyes slowly adjust to the dark and we see a family gathered around a dinner table preparing to eat, the "normalcy" of the moment made me relax. I calmed my nerves just when I shouldn't have and the result was one of the best scares I've had in a while. This was followed by one of the most exhilarating chase sequences I've seen since Spielberg's War of the Worlds. And to my delight there are plenty more scares where that came from.

28 weeks after the outbreak, the virus has become "extinct" and the U.S. military (out of it's infinite wisdom and generosity) have agreed to aid Britain in repopulating a quarantined section of London. The family theme continues as Don (Robert Carlyle), the sole survivor of the opening attack meets his two children at the new London. We are also introduced to Scarlet (Rose Byrne) an army doctor who is distressed that children are now calling London home, as well as Doyle (Jeremy Renner) an disenchanted soldier who looks past his orders to see what's just. When the outbreak spreads again, which it inevitably had to do, it's up to this new family unit to make their way to safety as all hell breaks loose.

Considering that I am a huge fan of 28 Days Later, I was a little worried that 'Weeks' might be mediocre by comparison or that the "infected" would lose their bite. However, I am glad to report that 'Weeks' lives up to its predecessor. 'Weeks' continued to scare me all the way through. The frantic digital video style still works wonderfully for this type of story. It's almost as if your watching a documentary or news footage. There are also several interesting scenes that comment on the ethicality of the military's actions when critical decisions must be made in haste. For example, what do you do when you're fighting a war on virus? Shoot everything of course. One great scene incorporates the U.S. soldiers spying on the London citizens through their sniper cross-hairs. As the soldiers joke to one another it may seem humorous (almost like reality tv). Then you notice the cross-hairs resting on someone's head and the humor is replaced with disgust.

I wouldn't say that this movie is as great as 28 Days Later, but it is still one of the best recent horror films around. I did miss the close personal connection I felt with Jim, Selena, Frank and Hannah, but the new comers do as good a job as they can relating their characters with the limited one-on-one time they're given. There is such a sense of urgency in this film that we aren't given any slow moments for chitchat. Even Aliens had a few talky parts. And I will not soon forget the great scenes from 'Days' that seem missing here, like the infected priest stumbling towards Jim, Frank's tragic demise and the great climatic finale. On the other hand the film moved so fast that I was always glued to the screen and on the edge of my seat. What more could you ask of a horror picture?

B+

Bad to the Exoskeleton: Spider-Man's Back for Some Thrills and Several Spills

Considering the critical acclaim and box office bucks earned by Spider-Man 2, it's fitting that Spidey has morphed into an egotistical, paparazzi craving, fame fiend. In fact, Bryce Dallas Howard go mope in a shower, for once I actually would have welcomed a film cameo by Paris Hilton. With all that fame and mass appeal, it's bound to go to your head and in this case Spider-Man 3 is swinging towards the nearest televised couch to bounce on. Now Sam Raimi is a talented filmmaker (Spider-Man 2 case closed!) and this time around he delivers a lot of great nail-biting moments, but he falls short in the story department. Like Spidey, the film is experiencing an identity crisis, with a mild case of Chicken Little. Maybe that sounds a little harsh, ok very mild, but mild none the less. If you liked the first two movies by all means see it (no review could have stopped me), but be warned: it's too much of a good thing.

I was pleased to see the reappearance of the web weaving crime fighter and settled back in my chair for the fun to begin. It seemed very promising. Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) is ready to settle down with love Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) who is now headlining in a Broadway play. M.J. is having difficulty relating to her beau who seems too interested in himself to notice her discontent. Dunst does a great job portraying a variety of emotions in this film, starting with love, then envy, then jealousy, some of which happen at the same time. Even Harry Osborn (James Franco) has a nice come back as Parkers ex-best friend, who is now determined to avenge his fathers "murder", which means kill Parker. I was worried that this story-line would get a little hokey, but it was actually one of the films best touches. This leads to an awesome eye-popping battle between Osborn equipped with his father's Green Goblin gear and the unaware Parker.

Now one would think all of this would be enough material to expand into a film, but apparently we still need an alien meteor blob, the evil Spider-Man, the forgetful Osborn, and two more villains. The first villain we meet is Flint Marko a.k.a. Sandman (Thomas Haden Church), a fugitive who turns into living sand when he accidentally stumbles into a top-secret dematerializing project, I hate when that happens. All we know about this guy is he "may" have killed Parker's uncle and he steals money for his sick daughter. Other than that he turns into sand and it's CGI time. He's mostly there to look cool. The other villain is Eddie Brock/Venom (Topher Grace) who is a lot more likable and fun as well. Brock shares a duel role as Parker's nemesis in the work office and on the crime ridden streets. Venom is slimy, terrifying, and rather humorous. As far as super-hero villains go, he had the potential to be one of the best around. It's too bad he's hardly in the movie.

And then there's the black suit Spider-Man, who acts more like the unfriendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Suddenly Parker has found a new sense of confidence, along with a new hairstylist and sweet dance moves. He has so many new skills: dancing skills, piano playing skills, numchuck skills... There is a scene where Parker does a sweet dance which had to have been inspired by Will Ferrell's flute scene in Anchorman. It is funny and true to the Raimi's campy roots, but it felt so forced and awkward. If it was one of a few flaws I might've forgiven it.

The final battle is thrilling, but I was ready for the film to wind down about when Venom became a villain. A little too late. There is also a character that knew a tidbit of information from the first film that could have prevented a lot of drama and violence if he just opened his mouth a little earlier. He is either a moron, a sadist or just saying it for the convenience of the script. I'm thinking the latter. Spider-Man 3 is like starving yourself and then going to a all you can eat buffet. There are so many possibilities and you want to wolf down as much food as possible. But before you know it you have stomach pains and the food looked better than it taste. Raimi should have taken the hint from Tim Burton and moved on to other projects. Paging Mr. Schumacher... Well, I have to go, Spider-Man 2 is playing on F/X.

B-