License to Wed taught me so much about building the foundation of a happy marriage. For example, I never knew how important it is for men to impress their in-laws. Oh hey, did you know slapstick comedy is a sure way to attract a female? I for one had no idea how important napkins and cheese selections are in wedding preparation. And guys, for the love of God don’t be indecisive when it comes to cheese, napkins and teacups or you might find yourself sitting on the curb. I know what you’re thinking, even if you give her your opinion she'll prefer the other option, but at least then it seems as though you’re contributing. But when the credits finally rolled, I remembered that life is not like the movies and lessons like these can only exist in a sappy cookie-cutter romantic comedy of gargantuan disappointment that makes Meet the Parents look Oscar worthy.
Who’s to blame for this mess? I think it’s screenwriters Kim Barker, Tim Rasmussen and Vince Di Meglio, who combined have developed a tired, boring story that has fewer laughs than Geraldo Rivera attempting stand-up. The film seems sucked dry of comedy and leaves the audience like a barren desert of half smiles and blank stares, desperately thirsty for even a mirage of anything that resembles humor. As a huge fan of TV’s The Office, the funniest moments were reduced to random cameo appearances by cast members. Even comic genius Wanda Sykes resorted to slapstick and pun gags in her one scene. You would think some of the actors in this film could at least put their own comic spin on this lame dialogue, but even their most earnest efforts ultimately fail. It’s not that the acting is bad. Robin Williams, Mandy Moore and John Krasinski all do a decent job, but decent doesn’t cut it when the words that come from your voice undermine every attempt you make to elevate the film with your fine performance.
John Krasinski and Mandy Moore star as Ben and Sadie, a couple that is about to get married. We quickly learn that Sadie is a very high maintenance girl who doesn’t waste her time compromising things like wedding plans with Ben. There is no discussion about where the wedding will take place or even when, because by George, that’s Sadie’s decision and she wants to get married at her hometown church. Ben says ok. I’m not even sure if Ben’s family was invited. I guess that would be indecisive strike one for Ben if anyone’s counting, but since Sadie is selective in noticing when Ben’s flaws are actually flaws, I don’t think she included this one.
In order for Sadie and Ben to be married in Sadie’s church they must survive Reverend Frank’s (Robin Williams) grueling marriage preparation course. Once the course has started we realize we are in for two-hour sitcom that would have been canceled after its first episode. Not only is Reverend Frank completely humorless, but he is annoying and very creepy. His idea of relationship counseling consists of bugging Sadie and Ben’s apartment to make sure they don’t have sex and blindfolding Sadie while driving so Ben can navigate to safety. Of course, Ben yells that Reverend Frank is insane, but for some reason Ben still fights for the love of this girl, who from what I can tell, is insane herself and not worth the trouble. This leaves me to wonder about Ben’s mental health and ultimately I arrived at the conclusion that all of the films characters must have some form of mental deficiency.
Reverend Frank’s creepiness arrives from the fact that he has a 12-year-old male companion that is part of the “ministers of the future” program. Riiiiight, that’s a good one. This concept is completely ill conceived and adds a layer of ickiness to every scene in which Reverend Frank and his minor confidant spend all night in the back of a van “spying” or traveling by plane to tropical destinations. I know, this sounds ridiculous, but if you don’t believe me go see the movie. On second thought, don’t.
I guess there are a few mild laughs here and there. The robot babies were temporarily humorous. Krasinski's mannerisms made me chuckle more than anything else. I rooted for this movie and tried to enjoy it, but these writers made it so difficult. If you want to see a funny romantic comedy go see Knocked Up. If you want a formulaic one joke chick flick with a hint of pedophilia see License to Wed.
C
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